The Little Things....

Dear Dad,

       I'm sorry it has been forever, I guess school and life has gotten the best of me lately. A couple weeks ago, I had a cold and my throat was killing me. All i could think of was the little things that you always did for me in my life. For example, I remember when i was in 7th or 8th grade and you were driving me to school and I was complaining about my throat since I had a cold, and you gave me a dollar, told me to buy some gobstoppers and suck on them during some of my classes. At the moment, I was excited for a dollar and the extra candy. But i think a couple of weeks ago, I finally understood how I should have reacted in that situation. I should have been grateful for the love you showed me in that situation, rather than just excited for candy. I'm sure I should have thanked you more. Thanked you when you gave me the money, and thanked you when you came home from work because my day turned out better than it would've because I got to suck on gobstoppers and think about you while I did. I was really grateful for that dad, I should have told you that in the moment, and I'm sorry about that.
         Something else occurred a couple weeks ago that you will NOT believe, after it happened, mom said that you were probably laughing wherever you were because she gave in. Well you know what... Me and Isaiah got a puppy!! She is the cutest thing in the world and you would absolutely love her. Her name is Harley Jane and she is the cutest, most loving dog in the entire world.

 Cutest little face I've ever seen!! 

She sleeps like this every single night!! 

     This also reminded me of something. I wanted a dog a few years ago and begged and begged mom to let me have one, and you finally talked her into it. I remember you coming to the house i was babysitting at one night and bringing me a dog that you got for me. Thank you for that memory and trying to do that for me. I love you.
 
I'll love you forever daddy,
              Marie (aka Reebok)

Prayer

Dear Dad,
              So i was in the car driving away from tutoring on Monday and a song came on the radio. It was "I'll be missing you" by Puff Daddy (ft. Faith Evans) and it is incredible how truthful this song is. There are a lot of songs i've clinged to since you left. For example, Butterfly kisses, We carry on, Someday, and Dance with my father. But back to what i was talking about, I was listening to I'll be missing you, and there's a part that says...


 "It's kinda hard with you not around
Know you in heaven smilin down
Watchin us while we pray for youEvery day we pray for you
...Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
...I'd give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still living you're life, after death "

           I know that many people have sung this song, but as i said its ridiculous how truthful so many of the lines are. The part that really had me think about my life and this experience was the thought of "watching us while we pray for you, everyday we pray for you" I pray for you every night, whether it is for your well-being wherever you are, or just for Heavenly Father to tell you I love you. I was thinking, its kinda interesting that i pray for you as much as i do, when you are much closer to the Lord than anyone I know. 

           Another truthful part is the fact that memories really do push you and allow you to keep moving in life. Remembering what it was like with you pushes me to want to be a better person, for you. It makes me feel as if i need to make sure that I am good enough to meet with you again someday. I can only imagine the looks on both of our faces when we get to see each other :)      

          Dad, isn't it interesting how life is constantly moving forward and we can't stop it? I remember one of the last nights you were alive, knowing that it was time for me to go to sleep, but at the same time i couldn't leave you and mom in the family room because I knew that it could be one of my last moments with both my mom and my dad. You were so strong. You made it seem like you weren't even afraid to die. I can only imagine the emotions that must have been going through your mind that night. Understanding that you we're going to die within the next couple of days. That you wouldn't be able to physically be with your family anymore, and what i think would have been hardest of all, realizing that we were all losing you.... losing a dad, a husband, a son, and to so many a best friend.

            I remember feeling you. Especially right after it had happened. The longer its been it seems like the amount of times i get to feel you goes down. I would like to believe this is because i'm getting stronger and not needing as much comfort and assurance, but in all honesty I don't think that is the case. It could be because i don't know you or recognize you as well as i used to, but i don't even want to think about that one. I love you. I can't wait till i get to see you again, and until then i'll be writing you soon. 

I'll love you forever dad,

Marie aka reebok

Moments of Life Worth Noting

Dear Dad,
                I have two quick things to tell you about today. The first one is kinda random, but as i thought more and more about it, I realized the way I reacted in a situation was all because of the way you taught me to live my life. I was sitting in the library preparing for a busy week.
                As i was sitting writing up note cards, I saw an older, indian man, who was trying to copy a book and was extremely confused. He was trying to use a credit card on the campus machines and although i know absolutely nothing about copy machines, I recognized that he needed a Ucard.
               Maybe I should have kept studying, but I left my stuff at my table, walked over and started talking to him... just like i could imagine you doing... I let him use the money on my Ucard and copied a chapter of a book for him. I found out he was from Southern India and surprisingly, he is now a Catholic Priest in Utah. He was teaching a few courses at the U and it was overall a great experience helping him and getting to know someone unlike me in so many ways. I know without a doubt i did this because of your example throughout fifteen years of my life.
                The second thing is a little lengthy but i would love to share it with you. It was a paper I wrote for a scholarship through the Salt Lake Institute and it was about you. I've written a few papers about you, but i feel as if this one is the truest of the experience.

                                  The Significance of a Life

Clarence Budington Kelland once said, "He didn't tell me how to live; He lived and let me watch him do it." He referred this statement to the role of a father in a child's life. As a child grows throughout his life, he learns from the examples set by the people around him. The most influential people in a child's life are most commonly his parents. They raise him to become the person he is and have a profound affect on their child's character. Like many children, my father affected my life greatly and I looked up to him and the person he was every moment I was with him. He taught me some of the greatest lessons I learned in my life and helped me realize how to strive to be the person I want to become. About three and a half years ago, my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and after a nine month long battle with this disease, he passed away.

Transitioning into this new life situation after my father died was difficult. I had not comprehended the role and significance of my father until he was gone. He was always a source of knowledge, full of answers to many hardships in life. With my father gone, I was placed into a situation where I must answer my own questions and strive to take the path which I assumed he would have directed me to take. For months there was an empty seat at the dinner table, an empty spot in the car, and even an empty feeling in my heart knowing my father was gone.

There where nights I spent laying alone in my bed crying myself to sleep wishing I could give my dad one more hug, but with time I have realized the Lord put me through this trial because he knew what I was capable of. He knew I would take the opportunity to grow closer to him through scriptures and prayer. I have gained such a strong testimony of eternal families and the truth of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

About two years after my dad passed away, I was diagnosed with major depression. This was an experience full of tears and indescribable sadness. Each day was a challenge and this experience seemed like a battle I would never be able to overcome. Although this was very hard, I never gave up. I turned unto the Lord and knew that someday I would benefit from what I was experiencing. At the time it was hard to go through life day to day, but because I experienced this hardship, I can now see how each day I am able to live is an amazing blessing. I have gained a positive outlook on life through this trial and I was only able to gain this because of the major depression I was faced with.

My father left this life leaving an unforgettable reputation that many people admired him for. He always stayed positive; no matter what adversity he was experiencing. He explained to me before he died that no matter what he was trying to overcome in life, it always seemed so much easier if he simply stayed positive and looked for areas he could be grateful for. After the loss had set in, I realized the opportunity I had to learn from my father and attempt to be more like him. Every day can be the perfect day in life if we let it be. I understood that it all depends on how we look at our situations. By dwelling on the negative we have a harder time seeing the wonderful things in our life we can be grateful for. Although I would give anything to have my dad come home again, I wouldn’t trade the knowledge and strength I have gained through the past four years for anything. Through the past couple months I realized that although I lost my father, I have had spiritual experiences and gained a testimony that I would not be able to gain in any other way. Today, I love life each day and I am so unbelievably grateful for the outlook I have gained through the hardships I was given.



I'll love you forever Dad,
Marie aka Reebok.

As life keeps progressing

Dear Dad,

Its been quite the intense past couple weeks, school keeps us insanely busy which is for the best i guess... Isaiah works extremely hard and i just try to keep up with his amazing grades. Thanks for always helping me with my homework and teaching me the importance of grades.

Isaiah is going into bio medical engineering and it keeps him extremely busy! He tends to wake up at about 4am sometimes to study and make sure he's caught up on all his homework which i am fine with as long as i get to stay in bed :) I wonder if you ever did this. It would be incredible if you could tell him all about medical school and the hardest parts of it all. Here is a picture of his lab partner as they were dissecting a frog. He's excited to do it on real cadavers someday... Nasty.

Its fall break this week and although it should be relaxing, papers and tests of upcoming week fill my mind. Although we recognize the work that needs to be done by next week, we've managed to have some fun as well. Yesterday we went to the humane society and played with the dogs. I would love to get a cute dog, but apparently mother feels different... I started remembering when you talked mom into letting me get molly, thank you for doing that for me. I remember being so excited when you brought the new dog to the house I was babysitting at that night. I was beyond excited.

Max the monster, he was huge!! I swear he was larger than me and as tall as Isaiah if he was on hind legs!

We named this puppy scruffy... cause he was so scruffy, we loved him :)

It makes me feel really bad for all of the dogs that just have to sit in kennels alll day with an occasional walk and no families to love them I can't wait until one day when we have the time for a cute animal :)

So isaiah would be beyond mortified if i told you this, but he doesn't usually read this so i think we'll be alright :) He bore his testimony on Sunday and I guess someone sitting by beth said, "He looks like a movie star". It made me glad that I have a second opinion and that i'm not the only one obsessed with his looks.

If you ask me he should be a model... but maybe i'm a little bias... :)

One thing that I've learned in the past couple years is that everyone comes into your life for some reason or another. I'm so grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life and i swear that Heavenly Father felt bad for taking you away so he bombarded me with other wonderful people. I still can't believe you're gone. I remember simple memories like you saying, "... after mating" in an Australian accent after everything me and my friends said one day. I also remembering getting so upset with you because i was four minutes late to cheer practice one day... i'm really sorry for over reacting for nothing, I know now how pointless it is to get upset with the people around you for no reason and you never know when you're going to lose them. Although many people wouldn't believe this, a part of me still doesn't understand that you're gone. Its like i haven't seen you in five years and i'm slowly forgetting things about you and our relationship, but i don't feel as if you're really dead. I don't think my mind can honestly comprehend that you're really gone. Its been a rough five years, I've struggled with all of this probably more than normal people would but for some reason i just can't get over you. I remember singing i'm a slave for you by Brittany spears every time you'd ask me to take your shoes from the family room to your room, but i would do anything to be able to do that for you again. You really don't know what you have until its gone. I always knew you were more special than all the other parents out there but i had no idea that you'd be taken so soon from my life. The one thing i hope for from this blog is that i'll be able to appreciate the people in my life before they're gone, the way i should have recognized how lucky i was to have you, and for anyone reading it to maybe gain another appreciation for the people in their life that they love. I must say, I think i have learned this with isaiah. Although i still have a lot to learn, after losing you, I recognize that I could lose him any moment in time. Although i'll get him for eternity, you never know when your time on this earth will get cut short. Even though this resulted in my crying on my honeymoon because i didn't ever want to lose him, I'm grateful that I can recognize this. Thank you for teaching me everything I know. I love you, think of you everyday and look forward to the day I get to wrap my arms around you and introduce you to my sweet husband.

I'll love you forever, no matter what happens

Marie a.k.a Reebok.

p.s. Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer too! I guess it hits the best :)

Change...

So i decided that i would start conducting my blogging in a different way than i have in the past. I was talking to a co-worker today at Visions and she was telling me about a woman who created a blog where she just wrote down memories and things about her daughter who passed away. I've come up with the idea that I'm going to treat every blog post as if I had the opportunity to write my dad a letter. I know that it was 5 years ago that I lost my dad, but the pain is still there everyday and there are so many things I wish I could tell him about. Here it goes....

Dear Dad,

I miss you like crazy and think of you everyday. But rather than getting all mushy right now, I'll tell you about whats been happening in my life. Lets see, currently i'm in the Young Women's presidency in our old family ward and I absolutely love it. Wendy Divine is the president, Trish is the 1st counselor, I'm the 2nd counselor and Beth is the Secretary. I absolutely love working with Wendy and I love how I have the opportunity to work with someone that you and mom knew so well. I love the girls more than I imagined and I feel as if i was placed in this position because I still had a few more things to learn from Young Womens.

Two weekends ago, mom organized for the family to spend a weekend in Yellowstone. It was a wonderful opportunity to get away from school and enjoy the family. When I got up to the cabin and started talking with mom she explained that the reason why she organized it was because you and her decided that you would go to yellowstone as a family. We did it :) We had a wonderful time (although it would have been incredible if you were there) and we got to build better relationships with all the family members!

Me and one incredible guy

Nick, Faby and their beautiful girl Nicole

So oddly enough, I remember random things from my childhood and this was one that stuck with me... I remember one day me and you were driving in the car and you pointed out a huge rock on the mountain and said you always hoped to climb the mountain and reach that rock. Well I told Isaiah about that and asked him if we could get to the rock since you never had the chance and we did! It was great to do it in your memory and accomplish it for you.

Another thing that I've done that I would love to talk to you about was a MARATHON! I ran all 26.2 miles and it was a wonderful experience. I did that in memory of you too. Like I said above, I just can't get over how incredible you were, and it stays with me everyday. :) I remember at about mile 17 I started playing the song "Take On Me" by AHA. This was one of the songs that reminded me of you and i just played it over and over and over again. It kinda made me feel like in a way maybe you were with me. Although its hard knowing you're gone, it was incredible knowing that it was possible that you were with me through the entire marathon. Luckily we took some pictures!

Me and Meish before we began

I think this was about mile 20

Finishing it off!

My sweet "boyfriend" waiting for me at the end

The most important thing that you've missed while you were gone was that I had the opportunity to get married in the temple. Right before I met him, I remember saying that I would never find anyone as good enough as my dad. Dad, I honestly did. He is such a hard worker and treats me in a way that you would be proud of. He makes me laugh everyday and always knows how to make me feel better. I wish you could meet him and that you could have been there when i started dating him, but i'm trying to remember that wasn't part of our plan.

I wore your mom's dress :) I thought this could be one amazing opportunity to have you and her part of my life.

A picture of mom, nick, aubrey and their spouses. We've grown up quite a bit!

I pray most nights that I'll be able to have a dream of you and talk with you, since i've met Isaiah, I've prayed that he'd be able to have a dream about you and meet you. I know its unrealistic, but i just wish he could meet you.

When you first passed away people used to ask me what i'd miss about you most, it was always easy. I would answer without any hesitation, you're example. I've still never met anyone like you, willing to love everyone and treat everyone as your best friend. Everyday I hope that I have 1/1000th of your kindness. I love you dad. You make me want to become a better person. I can't wait till the day i get to see you again. I'll give you the biggest hug in the world.

Love you everyday,

Marie a.k.a Reebok.

July 13, 2011

I've fell in love with another man... or women... TBD i guess... I saw a picture of a mini pom on a random blog and i almost died. It looks like the sweet pomeranian i had a couple years ago, but these pom's are even smaller... a.k.a even cuter. I seriously want one of these more than words can say, but we're living in our low-cost mother's house while she is in cali so it will be quite a while before my dreams are fulfilled. Just incase you were wondering, this is what my future dog is going to look like....

Is it really too much for a girl to ask for a teeny tiny puppy??

Isn't this pretty much any women's dream? Diet coke and a puppy in the same purse... :)

Anyways, Isaiah and I have tried our hardest to jam pack this summer with a little fun on top of all this dang homework and work... Our main events have included:

• Attempting to climb Mt. Olympus... accompanied by marie deciding to run down the mountain and biff it on a patch of rocks. Poor little Isaiah thought his new wife was about to fall off the cliff and die.


• Random 12 am walk to Wal-mart because we are married and we can.


• Isaiah agreeing to learn how to french braid marie's hair for future enjoyment :)

• Seven peaks surprise trip for Isaiah which included marie getting ready to fight with an 8th grader boy in the wave pool, and marie confusing a 14 year-old boy for isaiah and grabbing him... Woops :)


• Marie waking up at 3 a.m. and discovering isaiah on the floor cross legged. Did this follow isaiah back from India?

• A trip to Cottonwood Heights pool which included 2 hours of laying out an unexpected 2nd degree sunburn.

• Weekly Bachelorette episodes with Karissa, Haley, Pierce, and whoever else shows up.

Or as my mother would say, the train wreck you can't help but watch.

• And last but not least, going to lagoon with Aubrey and Jake.

Overall, life is incredible and I thank Heavenly Father everyday for blessing me with Isaiah. I think about the fact that i actually married that guy that i fell in love with at first sight and barely being able to comprehend it. Its true, some stuff in life just isn't fair, but i'm deciding today that life is about enjoying the wonderful things we're blessed with and not complaining about the trials that are molding us into who we want to be.

Blessed Beyond Words

Its interesting to me that one day you can be alone in the world, and the next day you can spend everyday from that moment on with your best friend. Sometimes when were just spending time together it hits me that i married the man i fell in love with from the moment i saw him. The journey that we have been on thus far is incredible and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. The simple moments like Isaiah falling off the bed in the morning makes life a million times better.

Yesterday I was thinking about how insane it is that who you marry literally determines the rest of your life. If i would have married someone else, and he would have married someone else, life would be completely different. I'm so grateful that i was able to follow my heart and begin something great with the perfect guy. I never thought that i would be completely content with spending all of my time with one person, day in and day out, but i wouldn't have it any other way. You could maybe say we have some attachment issues... but maybe we're just that in love.