Dear Dad,
Well, we officially made it through another June. Ever since you have passed away, June has been a difficult month for me and always includes a few break downs. The reason why June is so hard on me is simply because it is a double whammy... The combination of the anniversary of your death, and the celebration of Father's Day gets me every time. I try to stand strong, like you would want me to, yet my strength usually falls apart.
For a few weeks now, I debated on writing about father's day. I debated on this simply because I knew I would let some of my emotions, and frustrations come out. If I were perfect, I would have wrote a post that was simply positive, yet I don't have it in me this year. I don't want this to sound pessimistic, upset or ungrateful, yet I want it to be real.
Father's Day just isn't the same without my incredible father. Rather than it being a day where I honor you and explain the all the ways I take you for granted, its a day that reminds me of the most difficult trial I have been faced with. Since Father's Day is on a Sunday, this usually entails going to church. I love church, as well as the gospel, yet it is the hardest Sunday of the year to get to church. The reason why its so hard? Most likely its simply because I am selfish. I get nervous about what will be said, and how I will react to the stories about people who are grateful for their fathers. When I hear others express how they feel about their fathers, I am happy for them and grateful that they haven't had to lose father, yet I can't forget the sting of your death that still lingers on. Its kind of like I am sitting on pins and needles the entire day, waiting for the wrong thing to be said and when my heart can't take missing you any longer.
Many people said that with time, the pain would get easier, and I assumed this would be the same way as each Father's Day without you would be.... Gradually becoming easier to get through and more reasonable to face. Maybe it is because I'm stubborn, but dad the pain hasn't gone away. I have a feeling this pain will never go away, at least until I get to see you again. This morning before my run, I was stretching by a picture of our family. It was insane to stare at your face which I haven't seen in in person for six years. I miss your seeing your face, seeing you walk into the room, and seeing you smile. I guess its pretty simple, Father's Day reminds me of everything I miss about you. Everything that I once had and everything that slipped threw my fingers. But I guess its just my trial in life, continuing on. Maybe I need to recognize that it isn't just the trial I went through, but the trial that will affect me throughout my entire life. It seems simple, yet I've never come to realize this. Its not just that you died once, but that I will miss you everyday. I missed having you there when I finished my first marathon, I missed having you to talk to the first day I saw Isaiah, I missed having you at my wedding. But this pain won't simply end one day. I'll miss you when we have each of our children, I'll even miss you at each and every family reunion that I attend for the rest of my life.
I'll love you forever,
Marie
Monday, July 9, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Memories that Will Never Fade....
A few memories I've been pondering lately...
- You taking me to see the llamas... There are a couple places where llamas live in the Salt Lake Valley. One up by Brighton (conveniently across the street from where I met Isaiah, and one in Draper). You LOVED these llamas and got so excited to bring me, and other people close to you to see them.
- Knowing that EVERY time you went to the gas station, I would get a treat if I went with you. Which usually ended in me scarfing down a zingers, or a Grandma Sycamore's pink sugar cookie.
- You calling Karissa, Haley and I, Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego. I have no idea what inspired these names you gave us our sophomore year of high school, but these nicknames brought laughter to all of us.
- Numerous times sitting in the car as a family, and suddenly, you'd shout, "I'll give a dollar to whoever can tell me who is singing." Being the youngest, I usually couldn't get the 80's singers you loved, but occasionally I do. I found myself doing this to some of the young women as I was driving them home and all I could do was smile knowing that I had got it from you (although I didn't offer them any money for a correct answer... whoops).
- The memory of "Shut the Hell up" in Hawaii... As the three of us kids (Aub, Nick, and I) kept fighting in the back of the car during our travels in Hawaii, this infamous line came out and it officially became the motto of our trip.
- You yelling, "Group hug" at the end of so many family events
- When you would get so excited for all activities in life. Whether it was laser tag, going to fly those styrofoam airplanes, or something else random, you always got so excited and ready to go which resulted in the entire family getting excited and ready to go.
- I loved how with every dance or school performance you would be there... camcorder and all. You did a wonderful job at filming me in everything, and I can only imagine how tired your arms would get.
- Sometimes, in middles school, I was lucky enough to have you drive me to school instead of taking the bus. One time I was complaining about a sore throat on the way to school and I remember how you gave me a dollar so I could go get some gobstoppers. I felt so lucky the entire day simply because I had gobstoppers in hand.
- I remember your love for dogs. All dogs. I think i have taken this attribute from you completely. Just like you, I will never walk by a dog on the street without asking to pet the dog. We absolutely love our sweet dog Harley right now and although everyone thinks she is a boy because of her manly name, I literally think she is the cutest dog in the world.
- I remember when you would take nick, aubrey and I to social functions with your job, rather than mom. I loved when I was the one who got to go with you to La Caille and I will never forget it. I'm sure it would have been easier and possibly more socially acceptable if you took mom each time, but it meant a lot to me, especially considering the short amount of time that we had together. A few weeks ago I was at a dinner for a doctors association with Isaiah and there was a doctor with his date as his 7 year old little girl. It brought back about a million memories and I was hoping this young girl knew how lucky she really was... even though she was in the midst of hundreds of adults.
- I remember when you'd sing me the song that goes, "I've got the brains, you've got the looks, lets make lots of money". I would always laugh so hard and absolutely love it.
- Speaking of you singing, you actually sang A LOT to all kinds of songs and I loved it every time. It happened when we were in the car, or even walking somewhere. You didn't do it to show off your mad singing skills, you did it to make me laugh my head off.
- I remember how you would always call mom and leave her messages of songs... Like you would choose one that sang about love, or had lyrics that aligned with something you wanted to tell mom, and you'd wait till the message machine came on and then press play for the music to leave the message. I remember being with mom when she would get them and being a little confused at why you'd call and just leave music, but now I see how great of an idea that was.
- One night, when I was probably like 8, I remember how you and mom got in a little argument and I went of to my room crying because I thought this meant you would get a divorce. You came into my room, talked with me a little, and promised me you would never get a divorce, ever. I loved knowing this for the rest of my life and you certainly kept your promise.
- I remember how whenever a packers game was on, the entire house knew it. During these games, our house consisted of screams when the packers made brilliant moves, as well as when the packers made not so brilliant moves. Either way, I remember how every time they won a game you would yell, "Packers win, PACKERS WIN!!"
- I also remember countless nights of you playing video games with nick and aubrey after their bedtime... Mom would get so mad haha. You'd always tell them to be quiet so mom didn't hear, but I think that she usually did. From my knowledge, your favorites were Madden, and 007 Die another day.
I love the memories I have of you, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the entire world. Although it is hard recognizing that we can not make any together for the remainder of this life, I look forward to making more in the eternities to come.
I'll love you forever,
Marie a.k.a Reebok
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The Race of Life...
Dear Dad,
Finals are over (with the exception of a little one next Tuesday) which means I finally have time to blog again. So much has happened over the past couple weeks and I have tons to tell you. I hope that now that I have a little more time I can actually write on here quite a bit. I'm going to aim for weekly but we'll see how that goes.
It was your birthday last week and we decided to go and visit your gravestone. I always have mixed emotions about visiting the grave site. I know that you're always with me and that going to a grave site isn't where your spirit is, but at the same time I love going there, knowing that your body is there. This is going to sound totally creeperish, but there is something about being where your body is. Like its the closest thing I have to getting you back again. I remember one time laying on the ground where your body was directly six feet under just cause I wanted to give you a hug in whatever way I could. Pathetic? Yes, but will I do it again, most likely. Although it has been almost six years since you've passed away, I still fight it. I thought it would get easier with time, and in a way maybe i've gotten more used to it, but I think at the same time it is equally as hard. A couple of weeks ago in sacrament, it seemed like a lot of people we're talking about miracles that had occurred in their lives. I think I'll always have a hard time with that, probably just cause I'm jealous :) I remember thinking we were going to get that miracle for so long, and it was the weirdest realization when I had a feeling we weren't.
Anyways, like I said A LOT has happened to us lately. I'm going to start out with telling you about what has happened to Isaiah lately first. So he is working at going to medical school and although he is working at his undergraduate right now in bio medical engineering, he still has to do tons of stuff to apply for medical school. We were talking a couple of weeks ago about how he needs so many hours of physician shadowing and all I could think of is how amazing it would have been if he could have shadowed you. He would have loved being with you and I can only imagine how much he would have looked up to you and loved being with you. Plus it would have been totally convenient if he was able to shadow you rather than searching and asking for other doctors to allow him to. But I guess its just all part of the path we are supposed to be taking.
Along with these pre-requisites, Isaiah also had to take the MCAT. He took the MCAT last month and when he got home he said he wasn't sure how well he did, which made me a little nervous cause I knew this meant a ton to him. Well, he got his score back on Tuesday and the first thing I did after he told me was call mom. Whenever I was little and something great had happened, I'd always run and tell mom, and then run and tell you. I hadn't thought about this for a while but on Tuesday after I told mom, I felt as if I still was supposed to tell you. It was hard not being able to call you up and hear your excitement, but I just have to remember that that just isn't our path. But, I'm telling you now.... Isaiah did absolutely incredibly!! He got a 33 on the MCAT and the average score of getting accepted into medical school is a 30. Dad we were so stoked!! I would have loved to listen to you and Isaiah talk about the test, and how he did, but maybe you guys can talk about it in the eternities to come?? Just don't forget to ask him about it, K dad?? With that said, we have high hopes about getting into medical school somewhere. I told him he even has to apply to The Medical School of Virginia, so he could follow in your footsteps if we felt like that is the route we should take. But either way I was so proud of him and how hard he worked.
Next matter of business... I start my student teaching in August!!!! Dad I am terrified, nervous and excited all at the same time. I'll be working as a student teacher in Granite School District at Rolling Meadows Elementary School. I have a feeling I'll be getting 2nd or 3rd grade but I will let you know as soon as I do :) Although I've been learning about teaching and all kinds of stuff throughout my last few years of college, I still don't feel ready at all and I know I will be learning TONS from the teacher who's class I'm in.
Lastly, another major thing I've decided to do lately is sign up for another marathon. Crazy? Maybe, but either way i'm going to try!! I haven't ran too much since my last one which has caused this first week of training to be rough but that's okay and hopefully i'll get in the swing of things quickly. I ran 6 miles Monday, 6 miles Tuesday, and yesterday I ran to your grave and back which was 11 miles. I have always loved that route. It gives me something to run for and in a way I feel as if I am running to you. It's cool how at times when I'm pushing it and trying so hard to keep going, I know that you are helping me, as well as my Heavenly Father. I couldn't do the training, let alone the race, if I didn't have you two. Last time when I ran the Layton Marathon, I dedicated it to you, and I'll be doing this one for you as well. Coolest thing about it, you've ran in this race too!! Mom said you guys did the 10k, which is awesome and I hope that I can make you proud as I attempt the marathon.
As always I love you and miss your beaming example. I hate how time passes and with that, my memory fades and I cannot always remember the details of your incredible personality. But that's just part of our path, right? With that said, there is one conversation I will never forget. It was about a week before you died and we knew what that your life was coming to an end. You were laying in your hospital bed, cracking jokes as usual even though I'm sure your pain, frustration and heartache was excruciating. I had a dream a couple weeks before that you had already died and that I was crying to mom about how all I wanted to do was tell my dad I loved him... It was a short dream but had a profound effect on me during the last couple weeks of your life. With that dream in mind, I went to your side in your hospital bed and told you my fear of not being able to tell you I love you. You clearly said to me that you would always love me, even if we weren't able to verbally say it to each other. I've held onto that for six years and will until I get to see you again. The coolest part about all of that is that Heavenly Father knew exactly what I needed. I believe I had that dream for a reason, and although it was extremely difficult at the time, I get to still repeat those words you said to me now.
I'll love you forever,
Marie a.k.a Reebok
Spiritual Thought for the Post: I've been listening to LDS talks while I train and there was one by Brad Wilcox and it was incredible!! It talked about how as we go through the atonement process the Savior takes us back to where we were before mistakes were made, but also builds us up even more and makes us even greater than we were before the mistake... Totally incredible! I also love Elder Anderson's talk entitled, "What thinks Christ of Me?" It gives amazing insights about making sure we are living lives that allow others to see that we are indeed Christians, and the thought of what Christ will think of me and my works when I eventually meet him and fall at his feet. I can't wait to keep up the running and the listening to Conference talks!!
Finals are over (with the exception of a little one next Tuesday) which means I finally have time to blog again. So much has happened over the past couple weeks and I have tons to tell you. I hope that now that I have a little more time I can actually write on here quite a bit. I'm going to aim for weekly but we'll see how that goes.
It was your birthday last week and we decided to go and visit your gravestone. I always have mixed emotions about visiting the grave site. I know that you're always with me and that going to a grave site isn't where your spirit is, but at the same time I love going there, knowing that your body is there. This is going to sound totally creeperish, but there is something about being where your body is. Like its the closest thing I have to getting you back again. I remember one time laying on the ground where your body was directly six feet under just cause I wanted to give you a hug in whatever way I could. Pathetic? Yes, but will I do it again, most likely. Although it has been almost six years since you've passed away, I still fight it. I thought it would get easier with time, and in a way maybe i've gotten more used to it, but I think at the same time it is equally as hard. A couple of weeks ago in sacrament, it seemed like a lot of people we're talking about miracles that had occurred in their lives. I think I'll always have a hard time with that, probably just cause I'm jealous :) I remember thinking we were going to get that miracle for so long, and it was the weirdest realization when I had a feeling we weren't.
Anyways, like I said A LOT has happened to us lately. I'm going to start out with telling you about what has happened to Isaiah lately first. So he is working at going to medical school and although he is working at his undergraduate right now in bio medical engineering, he still has to do tons of stuff to apply for medical school. We were talking a couple of weeks ago about how he needs so many hours of physician shadowing and all I could think of is how amazing it would have been if he could have shadowed you. He would have loved being with you and I can only imagine how much he would have looked up to you and loved being with you. Plus it would have been totally convenient if he was able to shadow you rather than searching and asking for other doctors to allow him to. But I guess its just all part of the path we are supposed to be taking.
Along with these pre-requisites, Isaiah also had to take the MCAT. He took the MCAT last month and when he got home he said he wasn't sure how well he did, which made me a little nervous cause I knew this meant a ton to him. Well, he got his score back on Tuesday and the first thing I did after he told me was call mom. Whenever I was little and something great had happened, I'd always run and tell mom, and then run and tell you. I hadn't thought about this for a while but on Tuesday after I told mom, I felt as if I still was supposed to tell you. It was hard not being able to call you up and hear your excitement, but I just have to remember that that just isn't our path. But, I'm telling you now.... Isaiah did absolutely incredibly!! He got a 33 on the MCAT and the average score of getting accepted into medical school is a 30. Dad we were so stoked!! I would have loved to listen to you and Isaiah talk about the test, and how he did, but maybe you guys can talk about it in the eternities to come?? Just don't forget to ask him about it, K dad?? With that said, we have high hopes about getting into medical school somewhere. I told him he even has to apply to The Medical School of Virginia, so he could follow in your footsteps if we felt like that is the route we should take. But either way I was so proud of him and how hard he worked.
Lastly, another major thing I've decided to do lately is sign up for another marathon. Crazy? Maybe, but either way i'm going to try!! I haven't ran too much since my last one which has caused this first week of training to be rough but that's okay and hopefully i'll get in the swing of things quickly. I ran 6 miles Monday, 6 miles Tuesday, and yesterday I ran to your grave and back which was 11 miles. I have always loved that route. It gives me something to run for and in a way I feel as if I am running to you. It's cool how at times when I'm pushing it and trying so hard to keep going, I know that you are helping me, as well as my Heavenly Father. I couldn't do the training, let alone the race, if I didn't have you two. Last time when I ran the Layton Marathon, I dedicated it to you, and I'll be doing this one for you as well. Coolest thing about it, you've ran in this race too!! Mom said you guys did the 10k, which is awesome and I hope that I can make you proud as I attempt the marathon.As always I love you and miss your beaming example. I hate how time passes and with that, my memory fades and I cannot always remember the details of your incredible personality. But that's just part of our path, right? With that said, there is one conversation I will never forget. It was about a week before you died and we knew what that your life was coming to an end. You were laying in your hospital bed, cracking jokes as usual even though I'm sure your pain, frustration and heartache was excruciating. I had a dream a couple weeks before that you had already died and that I was crying to mom about how all I wanted to do was tell my dad I loved him... It was a short dream but had a profound effect on me during the last couple weeks of your life. With that dream in mind, I went to your side in your hospital bed and told you my fear of not being able to tell you I love you. You clearly said to me that you would always love me, even if we weren't able to verbally say it to each other. I've held onto that for six years and will until I get to see you again. The coolest part about all of that is that Heavenly Father knew exactly what I needed. I believe I had that dream for a reason, and although it was extremely difficult at the time, I get to still repeat those words you said to me now.
I'll love you forever,
Marie a.k.a Reebok
Spiritual Thought for the Post: I've been listening to LDS talks while I train and there was one by Brad Wilcox and it was incredible!! It talked about how as we go through the atonement process the Savior takes us back to where we were before mistakes were made, but also builds us up even more and makes us even greater than we were before the mistake... Totally incredible! I also love Elder Anderson's talk entitled, "What thinks Christ of Me?" It gives amazing insights about making sure we are living lives that allow others to see that we are indeed Christians, and the thought of what Christ will think of me and my works when I eventually meet him and fall at his feet. I can't wait to keep up the running and the listening to Conference talks!!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The feelings of daily life...
Dad,
So many things have come into my mind in the last few weeks that I wanted to tell you, yet I couldn't find the time to take a seat and write my feelings. I don't know if that was because i am scared to get emotional and once again recognize that you are really gone or I really just don't have the time. No matter what i love you and think about you everyday.
A couple days ago I was at work playing with a little girl who's mom was getting her hair done. After about an hour, her dad came in to pick her up and take her with him for the rest of the day. She started hysterically bawling because she had to go with her dad. It reminded me of the past, when I was bawling because you came to pick me up from grandmas house. I remember that you had to give me a barbie wand to get me to leave with you. Oh, how i wish i could leave with you now. I would probably weep, but it wouldn't be an upset having to go with you cry, it would be a cry that had to do with unbelievable happiness and content.
This reminds me of another time where I went to work with you because mom was out of town and I didn't have anyone to stay with during the day. For lunch you took me to a Thai restaurant that you loved and I remember specifically sitting at a table on the west side of the restaurant. I remember starting to cry because I missed mom and didn't like that she was gone on a trip. If only I could have known. I had my incredible father, within arms reach who I could have touched and been grateful to have in my life. Dad, I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge how lucky i was to be sitting at that table with you.
Some other things that have caused me to think back on your life are the people I come into contact in my daily life. I see Allen Hill a few times a week and all i can ever think of is how much he loved you. In a way it hurts because of how much i long for you to be able to laugh and talk with him. Its the same way when i go to your parents house. I know how much they miss you. I can tell there's a part of me that they love, simply because I am your daughter.
Dad, its kinda ridiculous how life just really isn't fair. It was interesting, today in sunday school we were discussing how the spirit world is actually on this earth. As we were discussing this, a couple people mentioned that they thought this was kinda weird, knowing that we weren't alone. All i could think of was how grateful I am for it. I know for a FACT that I have felt you in the temple and I know that you help me in my daily life. Heavenly Father's plan really is perfect, I don't know if I could be able to take your death if I didn't know that you were right here on the same earth with me.
Dad, sometimes I get sad and frustrated with you being gone. I understand that Heavenly Father needed you, but did he really need you more that I need a dad here on earth? All I want is my dad. I think about you daily, whether its a quick thought of you at work, or crying to Isaiah, you are never forgotten. I get frustrated remembering that you weren't there to give me a hug after I got sealed to Isaiah, or there in the flesh so I could glance at you while I was being sealed to my sweet husband. Dad its even hard imagining having children and having them not know their grandpa kreg. I hate knowing that Isaiah will not be able to meet you in this life. I just wish that he could see your example and understand why i think of you in the highest regards. I try to articulate your incredible attributes, but there is no way i can fully explain who you are. Dad, its not fair. I get so frustrated sometimes, I know that everything happens for a reason, and i know the gospel is true more than anything I know in my life, but i miss you and don't understand why i have to. I miss being able to joke with you and hug you and even take you shoes to your room for you. Isn't it pathetic? Dad, I haven't talked to you in over 5 years and it kills me. I wish I could watch you walk in the door and I could just throw my arms around you.
I'll love you forever dad,
Marie, aka reebok
So many things have come into my mind in the last few weeks that I wanted to tell you, yet I couldn't find the time to take a seat and write my feelings. I don't know if that was because i am scared to get emotional and once again recognize that you are really gone or I really just don't have the time. No matter what i love you and think about you everyday.
A couple days ago I was at work playing with a little girl who's mom was getting her hair done. After about an hour, her dad came in to pick her up and take her with him for the rest of the day. She started hysterically bawling because she had to go with her dad. It reminded me of the past, when I was bawling because you came to pick me up from grandmas house. I remember that you had to give me a barbie wand to get me to leave with you. Oh, how i wish i could leave with you now. I would probably weep, but it wouldn't be an upset having to go with you cry, it would be a cry that had to do with unbelievable happiness and content.
This reminds me of another time where I went to work with you because mom was out of town and I didn't have anyone to stay with during the day. For lunch you took me to a Thai restaurant that you loved and I remember specifically sitting at a table on the west side of the restaurant. I remember starting to cry because I missed mom and didn't like that she was gone on a trip. If only I could have known. I had my incredible father, within arms reach who I could have touched and been grateful to have in my life. Dad, I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge how lucky i was to be sitting at that table with you.
Some other things that have caused me to think back on your life are the people I come into contact in my daily life. I see Allen Hill a few times a week and all i can ever think of is how much he loved you. In a way it hurts because of how much i long for you to be able to laugh and talk with him. Its the same way when i go to your parents house. I know how much they miss you. I can tell there's a part of me that they love, simply because I am your daughter.
Dad, its kinda ridiculous how life just really isn't fair. It was interesting, today in sunday school we were discussing how the spirit world is actually on this earth. As we were discussing this, a couple people mentioned that they thought this was kinda weird, knowing that we weren't alone. All i could think of was how grateful I am for it. I know for a FACT that I have felt you in the temple and I know that you help me in my daily life. Heavenly Father's plan really is perfect, I don't know if I could be able to take your death if I didn't know that you were right here on the same earth with me.
Dad, sometimes I get sad and frustrated with you being gone. I understand that Heavenly Father needed you, but did he really need you more that I need a dad here on earth? All I want is my dad. I think about you daily, whether its a quick thought of you at work, or crying to Isaiah, you are never forgotten. I get frustrated remembering that you weren't there to give me a hug after I got sealed to Isaiah, or there in the flesh so I could glance at you while I was being sealed to my sweet husband. Dad its even hard imagining having children and having them not know their grandpa kreg. I hate knowing that Isaiah will not be able to meet you in this life. I just wish that he could see your example and understand why i think of you in the highest regards. I try to articulate your incredible attributes, but there is no way i can fully explain who you are. Dad, its not fair. I get so frustrated sometimes, I know that everything happens for a reason, and i know the gospel is true more than anything I know in my life, but i miss you and don't understand why i have to. I miss being able to joke with you and hug you and even take you shoes to your room for you. Isn't it pathetic? Dad, I haven't talked to you in over 5 years and it kills me. I wish I could watch you walk in the door and I could just throw my arms around you.
I'll love you forever dad,
Marie, aka reebok
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