So i was in the car driving away from tutoring on Monday and a song came on the radio. It was "I'll be missing you" by Puff Daddy (ft. Faith Evans) and it is incredible how truthful this song is. There are a lot of songs i've clinged to since you left. For example, Butterfly kisses, We carry on, Someday, and Dance with my father. But back to what i was talking about, I was listening to I'll be missing you, and there's a part that says...
"It's kinda hard with you not around
Know you in heaven smilin down
Watchin us while we pray for youEvery day we pray for you
...Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
...I'd give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still living you're life, after death "
I know that many people have sung this song, but as i said its ridiculous how truthful so many of the lines are. The part that really had me think about my life and this experience was the thought of "watching us while we pray for you, everyday we pray for you" I pray for you every night, whether it is for your well-being wherever you are, or just for Heavenly Father to tell you I love you. I was thinking, its kinda interesting that i pray for you as much as i do, when you are much closer to the Lord than anyone I know.
Another truthful part is the fact that memories really do push you and allow you to keep moving in life. Remembering what it was like with you pushes me to want to be a better person, for you. It makes me feel as if i need to make sure that I am good enough to meet with you again someday. I can only imagine the looks on both of our faces when we get to see each other :)
Dad, isn't it interesting how life is constantly moving forward and we can't stop it? I remember one of the last nights you were alive, knowing that it was time for me to go to sleep, but at the same time i couldn't leave you and mom in the family room because I knew that it could be one of my last moments with both my mom and my dad. You were so strong. You made it seem like you weren't even afraid to die. I can only imagine the emotions that must have been going through your mind that night. Understanding that you we're going to die within the next couple of days. That you wouldn't be able to physically be with your family anymore, and what i think would have been hardest of all, realizing that we were all losing you.... losing a dad, a husband, a son, and to so many a best friend.
I remember feeling you. Especially right after it had happened. The longer its been it seems like the amount of times i get to feel you goes down. I would like to believe this is because i'm getting stronger and not needing as much comfort and assurance, but in all honesty I don't think that is the case. It could be because i don't know you or recognize you as well as i used to, but i don't even want to think about that one. I love you. I can't wait till i get to see you again, and until then i'll be writing you soon.
I'll love you forever dad,
Marie aka reebok
