Well Dad,
Here we are. We are officially in North Carolina and Isaiah started his Med School Orientation Monday. Can you believe it? We are really doing this. Whether we like it or not, it's going to happen. Craziness if you ask me. After approximately 5 minutes after Isaiah leaves each day, I already miss him. Pathetic? YES. I've always fallen hard, but it has gone to a whole new level with this incredible husband of mine. I don't think I would miss him so much if he wasn't so dang amazing. He treats me perfectly. He is quick to say sorry and quick to forgive. He is always ready to console me when times get hard and he somehow never worries, which is perfect for my over-anxious, worry-at-all-times personality.
As I have said approximately a billion times before, I wish you were here. I wish you were here to tell him how taxing this process will be, how difficult it will be on our marriage, and how he will be able to make it regardless of the difficulties. I'm a little nervous for him. It's incredible that he was able to get into a top 10 med school at Duke, but I wonder if it will be overwhelming on him. Ya know, the constant studying, always trying to catch up on the curriculum and competing with incredibly smart peers. I have complete faith that he can do it, and that the Lord will assist us in times of need, I just get nervous.
Last night was his white coat ceremony. My thoughts on you, and him, were shared pretty equally. I couldn't help but wonder what it was like when you were at the beginning of the medical school process. What mom was thinking when you started your first day as well as what was going through your mind. I wish with all my heart that I could discuss it with you. But once again, I guess that just wasn't in our plans. Frustrating isn't it? Not understanding why our relationship was cut to only 15 years (and those 15 years not being my finest). I try not to think about it because I simply get upset and I know that isn't the way I should react. But in all honesty, it is frustrating. Wondering why I'm not allowed to call my dad when so many others my age and older are. All I can depend on are the moments where I can feel you with me that come about once a year. Frustrating isn't it? That you weren't able to see me get sealed in the temple, or say good-bye to as we left for a terrifying experience that any doctor will discourage us from taking. As hard as I try, I can't help but be frustrated at times.
Well enough with the un-Christ-like rant. It has been an incredible past year and I can't help but guarantee that the Lord helped us get exactly where we are. There have been numerous moments where Isaiah and I have looked at each other and specifically said, "Wow, this couldn't have happened without the Lord allowing it to happen." (aka we aren't smart enough do do half what has occurred the last year ourselves :) ) If someone would have told me 5 years ago I would be married to the perfect man as well as the schooling situation we are in, I can't say I could have believed it. And what can I currently credit our life situation to? The Lord. I could say it a million times, but we couldn't be here without the Lord. Dad, it is incredible how he has opened this unbelievable path for us and I cannot comprehend why we deserve it.
As I make that statement, I cannot help but look back on how many times I have made that statement but in different circumstances. Specifically when my incredible dad, and man I always looked up to, died while I was a sophomore in high school. Or about the 9 months you struggled through before you passed away, including the nights when you were in a delirium and couldn't remember my name. But that's specifically what I said, "Why do I deserve this? Why does my family deserve to go through this when I have to watch hundreds of families that don't." Well I guess the best answer is because I don't know everything. Because this is where faith steps in. Through the good, as well as the bad "Why do I deserve this?" moments, we need to recognize that we aren't in control of our lives, but the one who really matters is.
Dad, if it's at all possible, please help him. I know it will be hard and taxing at times, but please help him. Maybe since you've never met him, and won't until we pass on from this life, you could give him a little extra help and guidance. Throughout our entire marriage, I've always hoped that one morning Isaiah would be able to say, "I had a dream I was able to talk to your dad last night", or even "As I was working today, I could feel your dad with me." Wouldn't it be amazing? It would be like being able to meet him, even though you were taken away 5 years before we met. It may seem immature, or like I cannot let go of the man I lost 8 years ago, but that's just it. I can't. I don't think I ever will, but I guess that's just my personality. I still think of you everyday, always wondering what would happen if you were still here. Please don't forget me. I know its been a long time, but if you can, keep an eye on us. I love you.
I'll love you forever,
Reebok
