Dear Dad,
Well, we officially made it through another June. Ever since you have passed away, June has been a difficult month for me and always includes a few break downs. The reason why June is so hard on me is simply because it is a double whammy... The combination of the anniversary of your death, and the celebration of Father's Day gets me every time. I try to stand strong, like you would want me to, yet my strength usually falls apart.
For a few weeks now, I debated on writing about father's day. I debated on this simply because I knew I would let some of my emotions, and frustrations come out. If I were perfect, I would have wrote a post that was simply positive, yet I don't have it in me this year. I don't want this to sound pessimistic, upset or ungrateful, yet I want it to be real.
Father's Day just isn't the same without my incredible father. Rather than it being a day where I honor you and explain the all the ways I take you for granted, its a day that reminds me of the most difficult trial I have been faced with. Since Father's Day is on a Sunday, this usually entails going to church. I love church, as well as the gospel, yet it is the hardest Sunday of the year to get to church. The reason why its so hard? Most likely its simply because I am selfish. I get nervous about what will be said, and how I will react to the stories about people who are grateful for their fathers. When I hear others express how they feel about their fathers, I am happy for them and grateful that they haven't had to lose father, yet I can't forget the sting of your death that still lingers on. Its kind of like I am sitting on pins and needles the entire day, waiting for the wrong thing to be said and when my heart can't take missing you any longer.
Many people said that with time, the pain would get easier, and I assumed this would be the same way as each Father's Day without you would be.... Gradually becoming easier to get through and more reasonable to face. Maybe it is because I'm stubborn, but dad the pain hasn't gone away. I have a feeling this pain will never go away, at least until I get to see you again. This morning before my run, I was stretching by a picture of our family. It was insane to stare at your face which I haven't seen in in person for six years. I miss your seeing your face, seeing you walk into the room, and seeing you smile. I guess its pretty simple, Father's Day reminds me of everything I miss about you. Everything that I once had and everything that slipped threw my fingers. But I guess its just my trial in life, continuing on. Maybe I need to recognize that it isn't just the trial I went through, but the trial that will affect me throughout my entire life. It seems simple, yet I've never come to realize this. Its not just that you died once, but that I will miss you everyday. I missed having you there when I finished my first marathon, I missed having you to talk to the first day I saw Isaiah, I missed having you at my wedding. But this pain won't simply end one day. I'll miss you when we have each of our children, I'll even miss you at each and every family reunion that I attend for the rest of my life.
I'll love you forever,
Marie
