It has been quite a while since I wrote on here, but i'm in deep need of having you here with me tonight. It's your birthday tomorrow and I'm struggling with missing you more than I have in a long time. This year will mark 10 years since I've given you a hug, spoken with you or even sat in the same room as you. I'm sitting here smelling the cologne used to wear with tears rolling down my face as I listen to the kind of music that would always be on when you were home from work or busy on a Saturday.
Some people say they feel loved ones they have lost when they feel the wind, or see a beautiful sunrise. For me, I'm able to feel closer to you whenever I stumble across a song you loved on the radio. It almost feels like it was sent to me, to hear at that moment. Sent to me to remind me of you and for me to never forget the effect you had on my life.
Speaking of the effect you had on others, today as I was buckling my little Annabelle in the car, I wondered if I've lived my life in a way that could make you proud. Am I half the person you were? Do I treat others the way you did? Do I treat every person with the same love as you did? Whether it was a homeless man on the street, or a CEO of a major company, you treated each of them with the same respect, kindness and love. I'm certainly no where near the person you were, but I hope that as I continuously remember you and who you were I can take a step in the right direction.
I miss you so much dad. For one reason or another, I feel like my heart literally hurts tonight because you have been gone for so long. I still dream of you. I usually can sense that you've been gone for a long time in my dreams or that you're not actually supposed to be there but every time I am also over-joyed because I feel as if we overcame the major hurdle of death. Can you imagine what it will be like when I get to see you again? I think my emotions will completely overwhelm me in a way that I'm unable to even control myself.
I look at my little Belle and I can't help but wonder if you got to spend some time with her before she came down to be with me. I sure hope she did. It hurts my heart that she will be going through this life without ever having the opportunity to meet you here. She is a lover of singing and dancing with an incredibly spunky little personality. I'm sure she got her love of music from you.
She recently learned that she can offer kisses whenever she'd like which has resulted in her grabbing my face and planting kisses on my face whenever she can think of it. I hope she has a bit of your personality. I hope she was able to learn from you before she came down to this crazy life. I'll do my best to emulate your positive attributes and in turn teach her how to be like you in those ways.
It's not fair dad. It's not fair that you are gone and I'm sitting here falling apart because you've been gone for 10 years. It's not fair that I haven't held you in so long, or spoken to you. But even though those things are true, I just need to keep reminding myself that life isn't fair for anyone. We receive blessings we don't deserve as well as trials we don't think we could ever handle. I tell Isaiah daily that he isn't allowed to ever leave me the way you had to leave mom. I know me telling Isaiah this doesn't actually have an effect on our future. But I sure hope Heavenly Father hears that I couldn't handle losing him after losing you. I love you dad. I really do. It terrifies me knowing that I am slowly losing my memory of all of the details of you. Not remembering exactly what you looked like when you walked into a room or exactly what it felt like driving with you to get gas. But luckily the one thing I haven't forgotten at all is how much I love you. I still love you and I always will.
Love you forever,
Marie
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