Missing You Dearly

Dear Dad,

It has been quite a while since I wrote on here, but i'm in deep need of having you here with me tonight. It's your birthday tomorrow and I'm struggling with missing you more than I have in a long time. This year will mark 10 years since I've given you a hug, spoken with you or even sat in the same room as you. I'm sitting here smelling the cologne used to wear with tears rolling down my face as I listen to the kind of music that would always be on when you were home from work or busy on a Saturday. 

Some people say they feel loved ones they have lost when they feel the wind, or see a beautiful sunrise. For me, I'm able to feel closer to you whenever I stumble across a song you loved on the radio. It almost feels like it was sent to me, to hear at that moment. Sent to me to remind me of you and for me to never forget the effect you had on my life. 

Speaking of the effect you had on others, today as I was buckling my little Annabelle in the car, I wondered if I've lived my life in a way that could make you proud. Am I half the person you were? Do I treat others the way you did? Do I treat every person with the same love as you did? Whether it was a homeless man on the street, or a CEO of a major company, you treated each of them with the same respect, kindness and love. I'm certainly no where near the person you were, but I hope that as I continuously remember you and who you were I can take a step in the right direction. 

I miss you so much dad. For one reason or another, I feel like my heart literally hurts tonight because you have been gone for so long. I still dream of you. I usually can sense that you've been gone for a long time in my dreams or that you're not actually supposed to be there but every time I am also over-joyed because I feel as if we overcame the major hurdle of death. Can you imagine what it will be like when I get to see you again? I think my emotions will completely overwhelm me in a way that I'm unable to even control myself. 

I look at my little Belle and I can't help but wonder if you got to spend some time with her before she came down to be with me. I sure hope she did. It hurts my heart that she will be going through this life without ever having the opportunity to meet you here. She is a lover of singing and dancing with an incredibly spunky little personality. I'm sure she got her love of music from you. 

She recently learned that she can offer kisses whenever she'd like which has resulted in her grabbing my face and planting kisses on my face whenever she can think of it. I hope she has a bit of your personality. I hope she was able to learn from you before she came down to this crazy life. I'll do my best to emulate your positive attributes and in turn teach her how to be like you in those ways. 

It's not fair dad. It's not fair that you are gone and I'm sitting here falling apart because you've been gone for 10 years. It's not fair that I haven't held you in so long, or spoken to you. But even though those things are true, I just need to keep reminding myself that life isn't fair for anyone. We receive blessings we don't deserve as well as trials we don't think we could ever handle. I tell Isaiah daily that he isn't allowed to ever leave me the way you had to leave mom. I know me telling Isaiah this doesn't actually have an effect on our future. But I sure hope Heavenly Father hears that I couldn't handle losing him after losing you. I love you dad. I really do. It terrifies me knowing that I am slowly losing my memory of all of the details of you. Not remembering exactly what you looked like when you walked into a room or exactly what it felt like driving with you to get gas. But luckily the one thing I haven't forgotten at all is how much I love you. I still love you and I always will.

Love you forever, 

Marie

As the adventure begins....

Well Dad,

           Here we are. We are officially in North Carolina and Isaiah started his Med School Orientation Monday. Can you believe it? We are really doing this. Whether we like it or not, it's going to happen. Craziness if you ask me. After approximately 5 minutes after Isaiah leaves each day, I already miss him. Pathetic? YES. I've always fallen hard, but it has gone to a whole new level with this incredible husband of mine. I don't think I would miss him so much if he wasn't so dang amazing. He treats me perfectly. He is quick to say sorry and quick to forgive. He is always ready to console me when times get hard and he somehow never worries, which is perfect for my over-anxious, worry-at-all-times personality.
          As I have said approximately a billion times before, I wish you were here. I wish you were here to tell him how taxing this process will be, how difficult it will be on our marriage, and how he will be able to make it regardless of the difficulties. I'm a little nervous for him. It's incredible that he was able to get into a top 10 med school at Duke, but I wonder if it will be overwhelming on him. Ya know, the constant studying, always trying to catch up on the curriculum and competing with incredibly smart peers. I have complete faith that he can do it, and that the Lord will assist us in times of need, I just get nervous.
          Last night was his white coat ceremony. My thoughts on you, and him, were shared pretty equally. I couldn't help but wonder what it was like when you were at the beginning of the medical school process. What mom was thinking when you started your first day as well as what was going through your mind. I wish with all my heart that I could discuss it with you. But once again, I guess that just wasn't in our plans. Frustrating isn't it? Not understanding why our relationship was cut to only 15 years (and those 15 years not being my finest). I try not to think about it because I simply get upset and I know that isn't the way I should react. But in all honesty, it is frustrating. Wondering why I'm not allowed to call my dad when so many others my age and older are. All I can depend on are the moments where I can feel you with me that come about once a year. Frustrating isn't it? That you weren't able to see me get sealed in the temple, or say good-bye to as we left for a terrifying experience that any doctor will discourage us from taking. As hard as I try, I can't help but be frustrated at times.
            Well enough with the un-Christ-like rant. It has been an incredible past year and I can't help but guarantee that the Lord helped us get exactly where we are. There have been numerous moments where Isaiah and I have looked at each other and specifically said, "Wow, this couldn't have happened without the Lord allowing it to happen." (aka we aren't smart enough do do half what has occurred the last year ourselves :) ) If someone would have told me 5 years ago I would be married to the perfect man as well as the schooling situation we are in, I can't say I could have believed it. And what can I currently credit our life situation to? The Lord. I could say it a million times, but we couldn't be here without the Lord. Dad, it is incredible how he has opened this unbelievable path for us and I cannot comprehend why we deserve it.
               As I make that statement, I cannot help but look back on how many times I have made that statement but in different circumstances. Specifically when my incredible dad, and man I always looked up to, died while I was a sophomore in high school. Or about the 9 months you struggled through before you passed away, including the nights when you were in a delirium and couldn't remember my name.  But that's specifically what I said, "Why do I deserve this? Why does my family deserve to go through this when I have to watch hundreds of families that don't." Well I guess the best answer is because I don't know everything. Because this is where faith steps in. Through the good, as well as the bad "Why do I deserve this?" moments, we need to recognize that we aren't in control of our lives, but the one who really matters is.
            Dad, if it's at all possible, please help him. I know it will be hard and taxing at times, but please help him. Maybe since you've never met him, and won't until we pass on from this life, you could give him a little extra help and guidance. Throughout our entire marriage, I've always hoped that one morning Isaiah would be able to say, "I had a dream I was able to talk to your dad last night", or even "As I was working today, I could feel your dad with me." Wouldn't it be amazing? It would be like being able to meet him, even though you were taken away 5 years before we met. It may seem immature, or like I cannot let go of the man I lost 8 years ago, but that's just it. I can't. I don't think I ever will, but I guess that's just my personality. I still think of you everyday, always wondering what would happen if you were still here. Please don't forget me. I know its been a long time, but if you can, keep an eye on us. I love you.

I'll love you forever,
                     Reebok

Till I See You Again...

Kreg,

               It is interesting how a dream of you is worth more than anything in life. I think that is because for a moment, you're with me again. We're together and I'm able to talk with you, laugh with you, and even fight with you. It's interesting how in these dreams with you, I always know something is a little off. I recognize that you're here, and yet you're not supposed to be here. It's a strange feeling, yet I push it off in order to just focus on you and the time I am getting with you. I never would have imagined that my favorite dream in life would be one with my dad. It's strange how life hands you cards that you would have never imagined. But I guess if it is in the Lords will, it is what we were sent here to do/overcome.
             Well, life has been pretty interesting lately. Isaiah and I have completed our degrees at the University of Utah and our next chapter will be attending medical school. Isaiah will officially be attending Duke Medical School and we are beyond excited to have the opportunity to attend a top ten medical school. I would have never dreamed that Isaiah would have gotten accepted here, but we are certainly thrilled.

            The other day, we went to your grave and as we were leaving I told Isaiah that he is going to need to know what you feel like because you might just spend a little time with him while he is in the rough grind of medical school. I tried to explain how feeling you is kinda like the spirit, but a little different. I don't know if it is going to be possible, but I would absolutely love it if you spent a little time with him. Feeling you is incredible, and although I don't feel it as much as when you first died, I still hold those experiences extremely close to me. When you're married and care so much for another person, you want them to have the same goodness in life that you've experienced. I also think that since you weren't able to meet him in real life on this earth, this could be the closest thing to you meeting him. It would kind of be like you getting to know him in a different way.
               Preparing to move to North Carolina is quite the experience for a high anxiety stress-aholic. Its interesting how I've always had issues with stress/anxiety, yet it has been getting worse and worse the past 5 years of my life. Anyways, everything has worked out extremely well and I feel like the Lord's hand has certainly been in my life, yet I still spend most of my days worrying about the days to come. For instance, when I went back and interviewed with an elementary school, she told me during the interview that I would have a position at their school if I wanted it, and yet I still get nervous something will fall through and I will be back there without a job. I know I need to just recognize that my life is in the Lord's hands, yet I still find myself worrying daily.

             Overall, we are extremely blessed and life is incredible. College was a wonderful experience for both of us, and although you weren't there to watch us graduate, I know that you were there in spirit.
I love you dad, I always have and I always will. I think of you daily and you will never be forgotten. I speak of you constantly to Isaiah and I will make sure I do this to my children as well. I miss your constant example and all you stood for, yet I guess I will just have to try to remember your light and example as I move forward in life. I love you.

Love,
Reebok

Each and Every Day

Dear Kreg,

As I stood there with the sun on my face, I couldn't help but think that it was possibly a sign that you still love and care for me. I felt this after I had brushed the snow off your gravestone so that the world could once again see your name. If there is one thing that I want most, it is for your life example to be remembered. I have finally reached the end of my student teaching which has been a wonderful, busy and sometimes overwhelming experience. This last year has been a journey that I have yearned to discuss with you multiple times. Mostly full of wishful conversations concerning the medical school process. It's interesting how without fail, each time I am calling my family members with good news concerning medical school, or other exciting moments in life, I always feel this hole in my heart and feel as if I have forgotten someone. It's you. Isn't it odd? After almost seven years, I still can't get over the fact that I want to share those good news moments with you. Perhaps that is why I have begun this little wishful letter writing experience. Anyways, it's about time I get all of those wishful conversations out.

I finished my second marathon last July. I ran it for you. Homemade t-shirt and all, I ran it for you. It was hard, much harder than the last one, yet it was worth it. Sweet Isaiah helped me in the last 6 miles by being right by my side. Mom also jumped in and ran some with me. Talk about a wonderful family. It was a wonderful experience. Not because it was easy, but because it was hard and I had to rely on the wonderful relationship I have with mom and Isaiah. Regardless of all the details, I ran it for you. It was a marathon full of tears (mainly when other runners would ask whose name was on my shirt). I also ran into one of your friends from the state hospital, Kate. We ran together for a little while and talked about you for quite a while and all that you stood for while you we're here.

Along with finishing the marathon for you, there have also been some other exciting moments the past few months. Isaiah has been undergoing the application process which has been quite the journey. It all started about a year ago, full of applications, secondary applications and finally interviews. Last October we were able to go on a little adventure back east while Isaiah had some interviews. He was interviewing in North Carolina and Pennsylvania so we decided to make a week trip out of it and enjoy the journey. Along the way, we stopped by VCU where you went to school. Isaiah's interview there wasn't for a few weeks, but I wanted to stop there to see where you went. Here are a few pictures of our trip as well as our stop at VCU.

Isaiah had his first acceptance last October to St. Louis University. The relief of not getting in anywhere was taken away and we were very excited. After that was Ohio State at the end of November. This was extremely exciting because it was one of our top choices. Ohio State seemed like a wonderful opportunity and was well ranked. The Commonwealth College of Pennsylvania called Isaiah at the beginning of December which was another exciting acceptance. After that, we knew we were on the long wait to hear from Duke and the U.

At the beginning of March we heard from Duke. I still remember driving away from North Carolina that Tuesday and how Isaiah and I kept saying how we needed to make sure we didn't get our hopes up. We always had a hope/feeling that maybe things would work out with Duke, yet we couldn't say anything incase our feeling was wrong. Anyways, we heard form Duke on a Monday. I was teaching and Carol knew that I was waiting for the yes/no from Isaiah. As my phone vibrated, she called me over.  All the text said was "accepted".  I was so excited that I couldn't even teach. It was unbelievable! Regardless of the decisions we make, it is incredible to even have the possibility of North Carolina in our future.   Here are a few pictures that I took from Duke when we were there, it was gorgeous! I spent the entire 8 hours while Isaiah was in his interview, walking around and exploring Duke's campus.

We are still waiting on hearing for the U to make a final decision. This is certainly the largest decision of our marriage and I cannot imagine doing it without the help of the Lord. Hopefully, He will somehow find a way for you to communicate what you think we should do to us as well. Its interesting how the gospel makes everything in life easier. I can't imagine all of the trials in life without the strength and assistance of our Savior.

I'll love you forever,
                    Marie

Even as life moves forward...

Dear Dad,
          Well, we officially made it through another June. Ever since you have passed away, June has been a difficult month for me and always includes a few break downs. The reason why June is so hard on me is simply because it is a double whammy... The combination of the anniversary of your death, and the celebration of Father's Day gets me every time. I try to stand strong, like you would want me to, yet my strength usually falls apart.
          For a few weeks now, I debated on writing about father's day. I debated on this simply because I knew I would let some of my emotions, and frustrations come out. If I were perfect, I would have wrote a post that was simply positive, yet I don't have it in me this year. I don't want this to sound pessimistic, upset or ungrateful, yet I want it to be real.
          Father's Day just isn't the same without my incredible father. Rather than it being a day where I honor you and explain the all the ways I take you for granted, its a day that reminds me of the most difficult trial I have been faced with. Since Father's Day is on a Sunday, this usually entails going to church. I love church, as well as the gospel, yet it is the hardest Sunday of the year to get to church. The reason why its so hard? Most likely its simply because I am selfish. I get nervous about what will be said, and how I will react to the stories about people who are grateful for their fathers. When I hear others express how they feel about their fathers, I am happy for them and grateful that they haven't had to lose father, yet I can't forget the sting of your death that still lingers on. Its kind of like I am sitting on pins and needles the entire day, waiting for the wrong thing to be said and when my heart can't take missing you any longer.
         Many people said that with time, the pain would get easier, and I assumed this would be the same way as each Father's Day without you would be.... Gradually becoming easier to get through and more reasonable to face. Maybe it is because I'm stubborn, but dad the pain hasn't gone away. I have a feeling this pain will never go away, at least until I get to see you again. This morning before my run, I was stretching by a picture of our family. It was insane to stare at your face which I haven't seen in in person for six years. I miss your seeing your face, seeing you walk into the room, and seeing you smile. I guess its pretty simple, Father's Day reminds me of everything I miss about you. Everything that I once had and everything that slipped threw my fingers. But I guess its just my trial in life, continuing on. Maybe I need to recognize that it isn't just the trial I went through, but the trial that will affect me throughout my entire life. It seems simple, yet I've never come to realize this. Its not just that you died once, but that I will miss you everyday. I missed having you there when I finished my first marathon, I missed having you to talk to the first day I saw Isaiah, I missed having you at my wedding. But this pain won't simply end one day. I'll miss you when we have each of our children, I'll even miss you at each and every family reunion that I attend for the rest of my life.


I'll love you forever, 
 Marie 
       

Memories that Will Never Fade....

A few memories I've been pondering lately...

• You taking me to see the llamas... There are a couple places where llamas live in the Salt Lake Valley. One up by Brighton (conveniently across the street from where I met Isaiah, and one in Draper). You LOVED these llamas and got so excited to bring me, and other people close to you to see them. 
• Knowing that EVERY time you went to the gas station, I would get a treat if I went with you. Which usually ended in me scarfing down a zingers, or a Grandma Sycamore's pink sugar cookie. 
• You calling Karissa, Haley and I, Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego. I have no idea what inspired these names you gave us our sophomore year of high school, but these nicknames brought laughter to all of us. 
• Numerous times sitting in the car as a family, and suddenly, you'd shout, "I'll give a dollar to whoever can tell me who is singing." Being the youngest, I usually couldn't get the 80's singers you loved, but occasionally I do. I found myself doing this to some of the young women as I was driving them home and all I could do was smile knowing that I had got it from you (although I didn't offer them any money for a correct answer... whoops). 
• The memory of "Shut the Hell up" in Hawaii... As the three of us kids (Aub, Nick, and I) kept fighting in the back of the car during our travels in Hawaii, this infamous line came out and it officially became the motto of our trip. 
• You yelling, "Group hug" at the end of so many family events
• When you would get so excited for all activities in life. Whether it was laser tag, going to fly those styrofoam airplanes, or something else random, you always got so excited and ready to go which resulted in the entire family getting excited and ready to go.
• I loved how with every dance or school performance you would be there... camcorder and all. You did a wonderful job at filming me in everything, and I can only imagine how tired your arms would get.
• Sometimes, in middles school, I was lucky enough to have you drive me to school instead of taking the bus. One time I was complaining about a sore throat on the way to school and I remember how you gave me a dollar so I could go get some gobstoppers. I felt so lucky the entire day simply because I had gobstoppers in hand.
• I remember your love for dogs. All dogs. I think i have taken this attribute from you completely. Just like you, I will never walk by a dog on the street without asking to pet the dog. We absolutely love our sweet dog Harley right now and although everyone thinks she is a boy because of her manly name, I literally think she is the cutest dog in the world. 
• I remember when you would take nick, aubrey and I to social functions with your job, rather than mom. I loved when I was the one who got to go with you to La Caille and I will never forget it. I'm sure it would have been easier and possibly more socially acceptable if you took mom each time, but it meant a lot to me, especially considering the short amount of time that we had together. A few weeks ago I was at a dinner for a doctors association with Isaiah and there was a doctor with his date as his 7 year old little girl. It brought back about a million memories and I was hoping this young girl knew how lucky she really was... even though she was in the midst of  hundreds of adults.
• I remember when you'd sing me the song that goes, "I've got the brains, you've got the looks, lets make lots of money". I would always laugh so hard and absolutely love it.
• Speaking of you singing, you actually sang A LOT to all kinds of songs and I loved it every time. It happened when we were in the car, or even walking somewhere. You didn't do it to show off your mad singing skills, you did it to make me laugh my head off. 
• I remember how you would always call mom and leave her messages of songs... Like you would choose one that sang about love, or had lyrics that aligned with something you wanted to tell mom, and you'd wait till the message machine came on and then press play for the music to leave the message. I remember being with mom when she would get them and being a little confused at why you'd call and just leave music, but now I see how great of an idea that was. 
• One night, when I was probably like 8, I remember how you and mom got in a little argument and I went of to my room crying because I thought this meant you would get a divorce. You came into my room, talked with me a little, and promised me you would never get a divorce, ever. I loved knowing this for the rest of my life and you certainly kept your promise. 
• I remember how whenever a packers game was on, the entire house knew it. During these games, our house consisted of screams when the packers made brilliant moves, as well as when the packers made not so brilliant moves. Either way, I remember how every time they won a game you would yell, "Packers win, PACKERS WIN!!"
• I also remember countless nights of you playing video games with nick and aubrey after their bedtime... Mom would get so mad haha. You'd always tell them to be quiet so mom didn't hear, but I think that she usually did. From my knowledge, your favorites were Madden, and 007 Die another day.

I love the memories I have of you, and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the entire world. Although it is hard recognizing that we can not make any together for the remainder of this life, I look forward to making more in the eternities to come. 

I'll love you forever, 

Marie a.k.a Reebok

The Race of Life...

Dear Dad,

               Finals are over (with the exception of a little one next Tuesday) which means I finally have time to blog again. So much has happened over the past couple weeks and I have tons to tell you. I hope that now that I have a little more time I can actually write on here quite a bit. I'm going to aim for weekly but we'll see how that goes.

               It was your birthday last week and we decided to go and visit your gravestone. I always have mixed emotions about visiting the grave site. I know that you're always with me and that going to a grave site isn't where your spirit is, but at the same time I love going there, knowing that your body is there. This is going to sound totally creeperish, but there is something about being where your body is. Like its the closest thing I have to getting you back again. I remember one time laying on the ground where your body was directly six feet under just cause I wanted to give you a hug in whatever way I could. Pathetic? Yes, but will I do it again, most likely. Although it has been almost six years since you've passed away, I still fight it. I thought it would get easier with time, and in a way maybe i've gotten more used to it, but I think at the same time it is equally as hard. A couple of weeks ago in sacrament, it seemed like a lot of people we're talking about miracles that had occurred in their lives. I think I'll always have a hard time with that, probably just cause I'm jealous :) I remember thinking we were going to get that miracle for so long, and it was the weirdest realization when I had a feeling we weren't.

            Anyways, like I said A LOT has happened to us lately. I'm going to start out with telling you about what has happened to Isaiah lately first. So he is working at going to medical school and although he is working at his undergraduate right now in bio medical engineering, he still has to do tons of stuff to apply for medical school. We were talking a couple of weeks ago about how he needs so many hours of physician shadowing and all I could think of is how amazing it would have been if he could have shadowed you. He would have loved being with you and I can only imagine how much he would have looked up to you and loved being with you. Plus it would have been totally convenient if he was able to shadow you rather than searching and asking for other doctors to allow him to. But I guess its just all part of the path we are supposed to be taking.
           Along with these pre-requisites, Isaiah also had to take the MCAT. He took the MCAT last month and when he got home he said he wasn't sure how well he did, which made me a little nervous cause I knew this meant a ton to him. Well, he got his score back on Tuesday and the first thing I did after he told me was call mom. Whenever I was little and something great had happened, I'd always run and tell mom, and then run and tell you. I hadn't thought about this for a while but on Tuesday after I told mom, I felt as if I still was supposed to tell you. It was hard not being able to call you up and hear your excitement, but I just have to remember that that just isn't our path. But, I'm telling you now.... Isaiah did absolutely incredibly!! He got a 33 on the MCAT and the average score of getting accepted into medical school is a 30. Dad we were so stoked!! I would have loved to listen to you and Isaiah talk about the test, and how he did, but maybe you guys can talk about it in the eternities to come?? Just don't forget to ask him about it, K dad?? With that said, we have high hopes about getting into medical school somewhere. I told him he even has to apply to The Medical School of Virginia, so he could follow in your footsteps if we felt like that is the route we should take. But either way I was so proud of him and how hard he worked.

          Next matter of business... I start my student teaching in August!!!! Dad I am terrified, nervous and excited all at the same time. I'll be working as a student teacher in Granite School District at Rolling Meadows Elementary School. I have a feeling I'll be getting 2nd or 3rd grade but I will let you know as soon as I do :) Although I've been learning about teaching and all kinds of stuff throughout my last few years of college, I still don't feel ready at all and I know I will be learning TONS from the teacher who's class I'm in.

         Lastly, another major thing I've decided to do lately is sign up for another marathon. Crazy? Maybe, but either way i'm going to try!! I haven't ran too much since my last one which has caused this first week of training to be rough but that's okay and hopefully i'll get in the swing of things quickly. I ran 6 miles Monday, 6 miles Tuesday, and yesterday I ran to your grave and back which was 11 miles. I have always loved that route. It gives me something to run for and in a way I feel as if I am running to you. It's cool how at times when I'm pushing it and trying so hard to keep going, I know that you are helping me, as well as my Heavenly Father. I couldn't do the training, let alone the race, if I didn't have you two. Last time when I ran the Layton Marathon, I dedicated it to you, and I'll be doing this one for you as well. Coolest thing about it, you've ran in this race too!! Mom said you guys did the 10k, which is awesome and I hope that I can make you proud as I attempt the marathon.

           As always I love you and miss your beaming example. I hate how time passes and with that, my memory fades and I cannot always remember the details of your incredible personality. But that's just part of our path, right? With that said, there is one conversation I will never forget. It was about a week before you died and we knew what that your life was coming to an end. You were laying in your hospital bed, cracking jokes as usual even though I'm sure your pain, frustration and heartache was excruciating. I had a dream a couple weeks before that you had already died and that I was crying to mom about how all I wanted to do was tell my dad I loved him... It was a short dream but had a profound effect on me during the last couple weeks of your life. With that dream in mind, I went to your side in your hospital bed and told you my fear of not being able to tell you I love you. You clearly said to me that you would always love me, even if we weren't able to verbally say it to each other. I've held onto that for six years and will until I get to see you again. The coolest part about all of that is that Heavenly Father knew exactly what I needed. I believe I had that dream for a reason, and although it was extremely difficult at the time, I get to still repeat those words you said to me now.

I'll love you forever,
Marie a.k.a Reebok

Spiritual Thought for the Post: I've been listening to LDS talks while I train and there was one by Brad Wilcox and it was incredible!! It talked about how as we go through the atonement process the Savior takes us back to where we were before mistakes were made, but also builds us up even more and makes us even greater than we were before the mistake... Totally incredible! I also love Elder Anderson's talk entitled, "What thinks Christ of Me?" It gives amazing insights about making sure we are living lives that allow others to see that we are indeed Christians, and the thought of what Christ will think of me and my works when I eventually meet him and fall at his feet. I can't wait to keep up the running and the listening to Conference talks!!

The feelings of daily life...

Dad,
            So many things have come into my mind in the last few weeks that I wanted to tell you, yet I couldn't find the time to take a seat and write my feelings. I don't know if that was because i am scared to get emotional and once again recognize that you are really gone or I really just don't have the time. No matter what  i love you and think about you everyday.
            A couple days ago I was at work playing with a little girl who's mom was getting her hair done. After about an hour, her dad came in to pick her up and take her with him for the rest of the day. She started hysterically bawling because she had to go with her dad. It reminded me of the past, when I was bawling because you came to pick me up from grandmas house. I remember that you had to give me a barbie wand to get me to leave with you. Oh, how i wish i could leave with you now. I would probably weep, but it wouldn't be an upset having to go with you cry, it would be a cry that had to do with unbelievable happiness and content.
             This reminds me of another time where I went to work with you because mom was out of town and I didn't have anyone to stay with during the day. For lunch you took me to a Thai restaurant that you loved and I remember specifically sitting at a table on the west side of the restaurant. I remember starting to cry because I missed mom and didn't like that she was gone on a trip. If only I could have known. I had  my incredible father, within arms reach who I could have touched and been grateful to have in my life. Dad, I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge how lucky i was to be sitting at that table with you.
           Some other things that have caused me to think back on your life are the people I come into contact in my daily life. I see Allen Hill a few times a week and all i can ever think of is how much he loved you. In a way it hurts because of how much i long for you to be able to laugh and talk with him. Its the same way when i go to your parents house. I know how much they miss you. I can tell there's a part of me that they love, simply because I am your daughter.
          Dad, its kinda ridiculous how life just really isn't fair. It was interesting, today in sunday school we were discussing how the spirit world is actually on this earth.  As we were discussing this, a couple people mentioned that they thought this was kinda weird, knowing that we weren't alone. All i could think of was how grateful I am for it. I know for a FACT that I have felt you in the temple and I know that you help me in my daily life. Heavenly Father's plan really is perfect, I don't know if I could be able to take your death if I didn't know that you were right here on the same earth with me.
        Dad, sometimes I get sad and frustrated with you being gone. I understand that Heavenly Father needed you, but did he really need you more that I need a dad here on earth? All I want is my dad. I think about you daily, whether its a quick thought of you at work, or crying to Isaiah, you are never forgotten. I get frustrated remembering that you weren't there to give me a hug after I got sealed to Isaiah, or there in the flesh so I could glance at you while I was being sealed to my sweet husband. Dad its even hard imagining having children and having them not know their grandpa kreg. I hate knowing that Isaiah will not be able to meet you in this life. I just wish that he could see your example and understand why i think of you in the highest regards. I try to articulate your incredible attributes, but there is no way i can fully explain who you are.  Dad, its not fair. I get so frustrated sometimes, I know that everything happens for a reason, and i know the gospel is true more than anything I know in my life, but i miss you and don't understand why i have to. I miss being able to joke with you and hug you and even take you shoes to your room for you. Isn't it pathetic? Dad, I haven't talked to you in over 5 years and it kills me. I wish I could watch you walk in the door and I could just throw my arms around you.

I'll love you forever dad,
Marie, aka reebok

The Little Things....

Dear Dad,

       I'm sorry it has been forever, I guess school and life has gotten the best of me lately. A couple weeks ago, I had a cold and my throat was killing me. All i could think of was the little things that you always did for me in my life. For example, I remember when i was in 7th or 8th grade and you were driving me to school and I was complaining about my throat since I had a cold, and you gave me a dollar, told me to buy some gobstoppers and suck on them during some of my classes. At the moment, I was excited for a dollar and the extra candy. But i think a couple of weeks ago, I finally understood how I should have reacted in that situation. I should have been grateful for the love you showed me in that situation, rather than just excited for candy. I'm sure I should have thanked you more. Thanked you when you gave me the money, and thanked you when you came home from work because my day turned out better than it would've because I got to suck on gobstoppers and think about you while I did. I was really grateful for that dad, I should have told you that in the moment, and I'm sorry about that.
         Something else occurred a couple weeks ago that you will NOT believe, after it happened, mom said that you were probably laughing wherever you were because she gave in. Well you know what... Me and Isaiah got a puppy!! She is the cutest thing in the world and you would absolutely love her. Her name is Harley Jane and she is the cutest, most loving dog in the entire world.

 Cutest little face I've ever seen!! 

She sleeps like this every single night!! 

     This also reminded me of something. I wanted a dog a few years ago and begged and begged mom to let me have one, and you finally talked her into it. I remember you coming to the house i was babysitting at one night and bringing me a dog that you got for me. Thank you for that memory and trying to do that for me. I love you.
 
I'll love you forever daddy,
              Marie (aka Reebok)

Prayer

Dear Dad,
              So i was in the car driving away from tutoring on Monday and a song came on the radio. It was "I'll be missing you" by Puff Daddy (ft. Faith Evans) and it is incredible how truthful this song is. There are a lot of songs i've clinged to since you left. For example, Butterfly kisses, We carry on, Someday, and Dance with my father. But back to what i was talking about, I was listening to I'll be missing you, and there's a part that says...


 "It's kinda hard with you not around
Know you in heaven smilin down
Watchin us while we pray for youEvery day we pray for you
...Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
...I'd give anything to hear half your breath
I know you still living you're life, after death "

           I know that many people have sung this song, but as i said its ridiculous how truthful so many of the lines are. The part that really had me think about my life and this experience was the thought of "watching us while we pray for you, everyday we pray for you" I pray for you every night, whether it is for your well-being wherever you are, or just for Heavenly Father to tell you I love you. I was thinking, its kinda interesting that i pray for you as much as i do, when you are much closer to the Lord than anyone I know. 

           Another truthful part is the fact that memories really do push you and allow you to keep moving in life. Remembering what it was like with you pushes me to want to be a better person, for you. It makes me feel as if i need to make sure that I am good enough to meet with you again someday. I can only imagine the looks on both of our faces when we get to see each other :)      

          Dad, isn't it interesting how life is constantly moving forward and we can't stop it? I remember one of the last nights you were alive, knowing that it was time for me to go to sleep, but at the same time i couldn't leave you and mom in the family room because I knew that it could be one of my last moments with both my mom and my dad. You were so strong. You made it seem like you weren't even afraid to die. I can only imagine the emotions that must have been going through your mind that night. Understanding that you we're going to die within the next couple of days. That you wouldn't be able to physically be with your family anymore, and what i think would have been hardest of all, realizing that we were all losing you.... losing a dad, a husband, a son, and to so many a best friend.

            I remember feeling you. Especially right after it had happened. The longer its been it seems like the amount of times i get to feel you goes down. I would like to believe this is because i'm getting stronger and not needing as much comfort and assurance, but in all honesty I don't think that is the case. It could be because i don't know you or recognize you as well as i used to, but i don't even want to think about that one. I love you. I can't wait till i get to see you again, and until then i'll be writing you soon. 

I'll love you forever dad,

Marie aka reebok